There I was just staring up at the sky, and suddenly the warm blood trickling down my legs distracted me. I reached down slowly and touched above my knees. The blood was bright red, warm, wet, and sticky. Touching it gave me mixed feelings. I was disgusted and intrigued at the same time. The familiar pain I felt in my stomach signified it was that time of the month again. Sometimes it would last 3 to 7 days, but lately its been lasting two whole weeks. This was a monthly ritual that I never got used to having. Feelings of self-hatred and loathing came upon me again and I kneeled over in agonizing pain, accepting it. Some of my so-called days, I felt beautiful and alive but today was not one of them. It was a bad day and I felt ugly; I felt I was a monster and I was getting what monsters like me deserved. Painfully I screamed out at the top of the lungs, “Please God take the pain away!” Before I uttered the last word, tears started falling from my eyes. There I was, an unattractive, unwanted, unclean woman lying in a puddle of blood. If that was part of living than I truly had nothing to live for.
My pain was unimaginable. Every month the pain I experienced was more than just physical pain. The pain I felt was more emotional and spiritual. I felt like pulling my hair out from its roots. Anything I could think of to get my mind off the pain was a welcome distraction. With one hand, I quickly released my hair from its braid, allowing it to fall to the ground soaking in the pool of blood along with the rest of me. I gripped a handful of hair with one hand ready to start pulling it out to escape my hell for a brief moment. I screamed aloud, “No!” I told myself I refused to lose my mind at a time like this. I sat back and let my legs dangle over the mountain’s edge. I could see the forest below me. If I were to jump, it would probably be a 500-foot drop. Such a drop would be enough to kill any normal human being. Today was the day I would end this thing I called my life. No longer would I have to feel this way ever again.
I saw the Sun start to rise in the distance. Its light slowly moved across the forest floor below me. I thought about it and now it was the time to just jump. I stood up slowly and looked around the darkness that would soon fade away after my next step over the edge. It would be so easy if an angel would just come, take me away from this place, and end my suffering. The light of the sun slowly climbed up the mountain towards me.
I gained enough courage to take the step which would decide my fate. My entire body moved and I accepted the consequences of my action. My step was not forward but backwards. I reached down and picked up the body of my prey that still was alive. The wolf’s blood still dripped into the puddle it made earlier. I turned and entered my cave seconds before the sun light could reach me.
As the wolf lay whimpering in the corner of the cave, its eyes were filled with sadness and tears. So much blood went to waste outside of the cave and I still had the hunger upon me. The darkness surrounded me, and all I could focus on was the wolf’s heartbeat and its fear, which was calling out to me. This was another day that I had found the willpower to continue existing in this world. It is too bad that the wolf’s life would end that day. My fangs slowly started to descend from my upper jaw and my mind went blank. The beast’s fear and despair in its eyes dragged me into a state of ecstasy. With my fangs now fully erect, I bit down on the wolf’s neck as hard as I could. I heard the snapping sound of bones breaking within my mouth. I continued to drink from its sweet nectar until its beating heart stopped or the nectar no longer flowed, whatever came first. I didn't remember.
© Rene Nightingale 2011